you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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