i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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