forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
