my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
