my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize