No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
