I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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