I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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