do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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