I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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