apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
