life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize