Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
