i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
