I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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