I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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