is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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