operation harelip BJ is a go
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
