To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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