Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
