It's Friday. Sex?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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