im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
