What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
