proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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