I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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