Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
