I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize