Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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