Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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