May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
