I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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