Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
oh god the rape fog is back!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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