my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
His nipple licking is glorious
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