You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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