Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
