whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
