Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize