The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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