she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
