i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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