my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
