Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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