i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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