This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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