im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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