I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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