We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
being pregnant is like rehab
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
