theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
