You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
