I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
