Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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