My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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