he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
