Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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