dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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