fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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