i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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