Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
