Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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