I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
