You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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