Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
