I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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