two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
