you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
