Do you still have your period?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Two words: blizzard sex
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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