Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
