I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
