my room smells like sperm. sweet.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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