Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
