Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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