thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Randomize
